The Nuclear Option: Professor Karlan's Lonely Hearts Club
Never in the history of public schooling has a regiment of substitute teachers been so disappointed in their rowdy new pupils as the impeachment professors were Wednesday.
Inside the chambers of the House Judiciary Committee, the great professors were interrupted, dismissed, and ignored by the very worst goof-offs ever seen in American academia. Preening, entitled cutups, the pupils were unruly, loud and obnoxious.
And, entirely unlearning.
After all, not a single one of the class clowns slouching up on the dais was there to learn anything. They already know everything. What was some stuffy substitute teacher from someplace else going to teach them about what they all already knew?
President Trump will be impeached over a non-crime for which there is no actual evidence. He will be impeached without the vote of a single Republican — in fact, look for a few Democrats to abandon this sinking ship of an impeachment effort before it’s all said and done.
Still, the impeachment will go to the Senate, where all of the charges will be dismissed.
We know all of this, yet the trial in the Senate hasn’t even begun. The House Judiciary Committee has only begun hearings (albeit hearings without actual witnesses, or victims, or whistleblowers).
But they do have college professors.
Yes, professors! That will really get the American public on board. Because nothing moves the American people like a long, droning, tedious lecture!
What? Quid pro quo does not float your boat? Collusion doesn’t warm your loins? Games of telephone played in Ukrainian restaurants doesn’t get your panties in a bunch?
Well, then ye shall be bored into impeachment submission!
Better yet, these lectures were under oath! Maybe since schools no longer start with the Pledge of Allegiance they should make a habit of starting each class by requiring teachers to stand up, raise their right hand and swear to tell the truth.
Actually, the highlight of Wednesday’s testimony was watching all four professors profess their allegiance to God as the ultimate judge of truth. “So help me God.”
From the moment they opened their mouths, the professors got no respect.
Professor Noah Feldman was interrupted 11 times before he could even spit out his opening screed.
But to be fair, Professor Feldman should have been barred from testifying in the first place based on his ridiculous hairdo alone. With his severe glare, pasty skin and oily surf-do, Mr. Feldman looked like one of the lead characters in “Chariots of Fire.” Only minus the honesty.
The lady professor got hot quick. She screamed at one of her pupils about how personally “insulted” she was at his suggestion that she had not prepared for class.
Later, the lonely school marm described how she spent all Thanksgiving Day poring over transcripts of impeachment testimony — so much so that she had time to eat only a precooked turkey delivered by the U.S. Postal Service.
Wow. And you thought you spent Thanksgiving with some tedious folks. Where do Democrats find such miserable people?
In her loneliness, the lady professor also declared that President Trump’s call for investigating corruption in Ukraine was worse than the crimes that nearly got President Nixon impeached. Because, she said, Mr. Nixon’s crimes were domestic and Mr. Trump’s supposed “crimes” were abroad.
As if eating mail-order turkey and sleeping with Mueller reports isn’t sad enough, the lonely lady professor later attacked the 13-year-old son of President Trump to make the point that — well, to make the point that she really despises President Trump.
There was no other point. Please. Somebody call the emergency lonely hearts line and get this woman some help.
⦁ Contact Charles Hurt at or on Twitter @charleshurt.