Yes. I love you too. I love you and I love you. Happy Wednesday everyone. So remember those stories you hear about a firefighter who sets a fire so he can ride in and save the day, but instead the house burns down. That reminds me of Joe and the border. He torches the border, and now we're supposed to trust the same guy who started this raging blaze to put it out? You know, it's like believing O.J. when he said he was going to find his wife's killer.
TYRUS: He's still looking.
Yes. He is. So do we give him more matches and gas, or look for someone with a fire extinguisher and a pulse? That's the question Joe Biden asked America yesterday during a speech that reminded me of Winston Churchill, primarily because Winston Churchill is also dead.
PRESIDENT BIDEN TUESDAY: All indications are this bill won't even move forward to the Senate floor. Why? A simple reason Donald Trump. Because Donald Trump thinks it's bad for him politically... He'd rather weaponize this issue than actually solve it... Trump and the MAGA Republicans said no because they're afraid of Donald Trump, afraid of Donald Trump... Republicans have to decide who do they serve? Donald Trump or the American people... Every day between now and November, the American people are going to know that the only reason the border is not secure is Donald Trump and his MAGA Republican friends... Folks, we've got to move past this toxic politics.
U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas speaks to the media about an overview of public safety plans for Super Bowl week at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center. (Candice Ward/Getty Images)
That is amazing. First of all, he asks, who do the Republicans serve? This is the man wearing the Ukrainian flag because they gave money to his kid. Who do you serve? But the short term buzz of this woke posturing inevitably gave way to the reality hangover that was visible yesterday on the president's face. Look at him. It's painful to watch. It's got to the point that now Joe just barks MAGA whenever he can't make a real argument. Lucky for him, it's only two syllables. Even luckier, Trump is only one, but it's his answer for everything. He's like a sex addict who only knows one position, and we're the ones getting screwed.
But it seems something has finally dawned on Joe that spiteful anti-Trump tantrum he threw when he took office, reversing roughly 90 Trump-era border policies has now become the defining feature of his administration, and he's become a melting, angry ice sculpture. And then there's Homeland Security Director Alejandro Mayorkas. Sorry, it's hard to give a thumbs up to a man who looks like a thumb. He's failed miserably to defend our borders. So when the House of Representatives voted Tuesday evening to impeach him, it should have been what figure skaters call a slam dunk, but three Republicans, these fellows right here on your screen, joined the Dems in voting against what would have been the second ever impeachment of a sitting cabinet official.
So write down those names so you can vote against them, or at least sign them up on Grindr. Our audience doesn't know Grindr and good for you. Mike Gallagher posted on X why he voted against impeachment: "Creating a new, lower standard for impeachment... Will set a dangerous new precedent that will be weaponized against future Republican administrations. It will only further pry open the Pandora's box of perpetual impeachment..." So you get this, people. Those GOP defectors didn't vote to impeach Trump and didn't vote to impeach because it would lead to the Dems doing it as well. Do we live in the twilight zone, sir Gallagher? The Dems already impeached Trump not once, but twice. Did we already forget that. Is Biden's dementia contagious? Does MAGA now stand for Making Alzheimer's Great Again? What an argument. We don't want to hit them because they'll hit us back. Well, then why are you in the damn ring? You're fighting for us, remember?
Anyway, Republicans say they'll try their hand at impeaching Mayorkas again, maybe in a few years when our southern border starts at Nebraska. Yeah, but like I told my assistant when she wanted a day off for her mother's funeral, don't hold your breath. But it's not really about Mayorkas, it's about Joe. We wouldn't have this crisis had Biden not rescinded Trump's border policies and just left Remain in Mexico in place. He prefers his policy of remain in basement instead. The problem with yesterday was that it ignored one un-ignorable fact, this disaster was not occurring under Trump, and that the Republican House now are as weak as Jerry Nadler sphincter. If there's one thing establishment Republicans love to do, it's lose gracefully, but as they lose, so do we. Cash strapped local governments are now spending billions for the care and feeding of new arrivals, with no work permits and limited job skills and less respect for the law than Ilhan Omar on her wedding night.
I don't even know what that means. The video of two NYPD cops assaulted by Venezuelan thugs exposes the issue that Dems had labeled racist just for bringing it up. Migrant crime. So Venezuela empties its prisons and we get a crime wave. What did you expect? They broke the laws in their own country, and now they're free to roam in a bigger, richer country. It's like offering a free bucket of fried Twinkies and then shocked that Joy Behar shows up. On the foreign policy front, Biden's decided to link securing the border to funding for foreign wars. Now, let me get this straight. Russia's at war with Ukraine. Hamas terrorists slaughtered Israeli citizens. Oh, yeah, Joe, it's Hamas.
Migrants attempting to cross in to the U.S. from Mexico are detained by U.S. Customs and Border Protection at the border August 20, 2022 in San Luis, Arizona. (Nick Ut/Getty Images)
PRESIDENT BIDEN TUESDAY: There is some movement and I don't want, I don't want to, well maybe choose my words. There's some movement, there's been a response from the, there's been a response from the opposition, but umm, yes, I'm sorry, from Hamas.
KAT TIMPF: Oh my God.
Quick, somebody get smelling salts and then put them in a little girl's hair. That's not good. That is so not good. At least he didn't say extreme MAGA Republicans. It's Hamas, you dumb ass. Maybe ease up on the embalming fluid. It's not even funny anymore, really, I feel bad saying that because I, this is terrible. But those words mean America apparently doesn't get a southern border. If anybody can explain to me how this works. I promised to give you Brian Kilmeade's, home phone number. He goes to bed at 8:30. So these countries, they have sacred borders, but America's looks like Walmart on a Black Friday. Of course, the experts will say, look, man, you got to fight the bad guys over there so they don't come here. Fine, I get that. But why not make it harder for them to get in here before they flee from the wars that we are fighting there?
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I know, I know. It makes too much sense, like muting your TV whenever Jesse's on. The truth is, a border crisis is like luminol for the crime scene that is the Biden administration. It's detecting blood all over, and Joe's alibi is holding up about as well as the border itself. Thanks to his incurable TDS, Joe has managed to make our border as incontinent as he is. Can he stop the flow at all? I bet we'll get the same old answer, Depends.
Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of Gutfeld! (weeknights, 11PM-12AM/ET) and co-host of cable news’ highest-rated program The Five (weekdays, 5-6PM/ET).