Chrissy Teigen pens emotional essay recounting pregnancy loss: 'That will probably always haunt me'
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Chrissy Teigen has opened up about the devastating loss of her pregnancy.
The star announced earlier this month that the son she was expecting with husband John Legend had passed away.
While the exact reason for the death had not been publicly addressed, the star told fans that she had been hospitalized for an unusual amount of bleeding just days before the announcement.
Now, after a brief return to social media to assure fans she's "okay," Teigen, 34, has penned an essay on Medium detailing her experience.
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The essay is titled "Hi."
The star began by explaining that she had "no idea" when she'd be ready to write about her loss, but expected it to have happened much closer to her son's death. However, she said she was instead writing from a happier place after a busy morning.
Chriss Teigen announced on Oct. 1 that she had lost her baby boy, to be named Jack. (Photo by: Nathan Congleton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)
The cookbook author followed up her introduction with a thank you to her friends, family and fans as she, Legend, and their two children -- Luna, 4, and Miles, 2 -- recover.
"One of the standout moments from that morning (or evening? I have no idea) was me going through the halls of labor and delivery, and John saying 'What, is there a f--king party going on here??' Here we were, just wheeled down to a new floor, me covered in a thin blanket to hide, knowing I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later," Teigen recalled. "People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you."
She went on to explain that doctors had diagnosed her with placenta abruption, which is when the placenta separates from the uterus early.
"I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop," said the former model. "In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in. I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment, truly appreciating the brands that went out of their way to not make me feel like an actual sh--ting baby."
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She then explained that as the bleeding intensified, the fluid around the baby "had become very low."
"At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly," Teigen said.
"After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye," recounted the star. "He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all."
Chrissy Teigen (left) and her husband, singer John Legend (right). (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)
Then came more tragic news: "Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness."
Teigen said that she asked Legend, 41, and her mother to take pictures of the experience as she needed to remember the moment in the same way she wanted to remember her wedding or the births of their first two children.
She then defended such photos, saying they're "only for the people who need them."
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"After hours, I was able to relax, and decided I wanted to wait until I really, really knew it was over. I stupidly compared it to dogs I had 'put down' in the past — how I never wanted to let go until we absolutely knew it was time, that they were suffering far too much. ..." she continued. "Later that night, I went to the bathroom, looked down into the toilet (I had been doing this for months) and broke down again. The sheer amount of blood and clots showed me exactly what I had been waiting for. It was time."
Teigen said she then received her epidural and waited to be told to push. While switching from laying on one side to the other, the birth began.
"The doctors yelled for a bit and…I don’t know what to say, even now. He was out. My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer. I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour."
John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are parents to Luna, 4, and Miles, 2. (Photo by Gotham/GC Images)
The star continued: "I dunno how long he had been waiting to be delivered for. That will probably always haunt me. Just writing it makes my nose and eyes tingle with tears. All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind."
Despite having a "hole" in her heart, Teigen said that the hole has been filled "with the love of something I loved so much."
"It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full," she explained. "Maybe *too* bursting full, actually. I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love. I smother them with love while they 'Moooooooom!!!!!' me. I don’t care."
Still, she grapples with her happiness.
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"I also cry when I get mad at myself for being too happy. Sometimes I read things that make me gut laugh, or see an instagram post worthy of a like (yes, I’m gone but I’ve still been creeping!). And, I always forget I’m not pregnant anymore," the star shared. "I hold my belly when I walk around. I have a moment of freak out when the kids jump on my non-existent bump. The clarity after these moments always make me sad."
Additionally, Teigen said that she feels bad that her "grief was so public because I made the joy so public," and admitted that she'd "always" feel bad for making her fans "feel bad."
"But the moments of kindness have been nothing short of beautiful," assured Teigen. "I went to a store where the checkout lady quietly added flowers to my cart. Sometimes people will approach me with a note. The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers. I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all."
John Legend (right) and Chrissy Teigen (left) used his music video for the song 'Wild' to allude to the star's pregnancy. (Photo by Allen Berezovsky/Getty Images)
She also expressed gratitude for those that suggested she ignore people that tell her the death was "God's plan" or ensure that she'll "have another [baby] soon."
"I worry that people feel uncomfortable sharing their joy with me. I’m currently surrounded by the pregnant bellies of many close friends, and I can swear to you, nothing makes me more happy. I know your joy and I love you," she said.
"I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so. Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky."
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Teigen signed the essay "with so, so, so much love."
Teigen has been pubicly surrounded with love since the announcement, in particular, receiving a touching tribute from her husband both on Twitter and during his 2020 Billboard Music Awards performance. Additionally, her mother shared a tribute on Instagram.