Desperate Green Activists Bribe Hillary Voters With Puppies
Green activists have come up with an ingenious solution to breathe new life into Hillary Clinton’s moribund election campaign: puppies.
NextGen Climate has scheduled puppy appearances at dozens of early voting locations in critical states like Pennsylvania, North Carolina, Iowa, Nevada and New Hampshire. The organization hopes to roll out even more such events on November 8th.
“We’ve enlisted our most loyal companions to help during this historic election,” said Nick Ellis, a “National Puppy Coordinator” for NextGen Climate. “We are excited about this new approach to voter outreach.” Ellis appears in an ad for the campaign with an adorable, playful puppy, Petey.
The puppy idea arose organically during NextGen Climate’s voter registration drives. Volunteers who had puppies with them inevitably gathered more signatures than those without pooches. Deciding that this phenomenon was no accident, NextGen Climate figured that if puppies could get people to sign up to register, surely they could convince people to show up to vote, as well.
This makes sense. Anyone stupid enough to choose the next president of the USA based on the rush of oxytocin they experience on looking into the adorable eyes of a juvenile dog is 99.99 per cent likely to be a natural Hillary voter.
It also makes sense for NextGen Climate, the Super PAC run by billionaire Tom Steyer who made part of his fortune out of fossil fuels but now sees a brighter future in green activism.
If he has called this presidential election correctly then he and the rest of the green mafia stand to benefit hugely, just like they did under the Obama administration: the global warming industry is worth an annual $1.5 trillion – and most of that money is not earned the hard way but rather dispensed, in the manner of some monstrously corrupt 17th century court, by the state to its most slavish courtiers.
If, on the other hand, Hillary is defeated then the Green Ponzi scheme will collapse almost immediately – and you should probably sell all the renewable energy shares in your portfolio.
It won’t be pretty for those puppies, either. I’m not saying that environmentalists are the most evil people in the world – I find that disability campaigners, ME-sufferers, SNP voters and Third Wave Feminists are even more vicious – but I would still expect that if the last ditch puppy trick doesn’t work out, we’re going to see a tragically large number of wriggling sacks being tossed in rivers near voting locations across the US by the middle of next week.